Married With Children Parenthood
by Thor2000
Summary: Al is visited by a young man claiming to be his son, but is he really and what does he want?


CHAPTER ONE

Al Bundy parked his car in his driveway and opened his garage. Bud's rotting and rusting 1982 Brown Trans-Am still stared at him with its tail end. It had no engine and Al had no place to put his car as he cursed the boy for dragging the thing home to repair. Actually, he had expected Al to do it as the disgusted father dropped the door, sneered and forced himself to the front door.

"Hey Bundy," Frank Anderson yelled from across the street while checking his mail. "When was the last time you had dinner?"

"I'd say about the last time your suit was in style."

"Oh yeah," the father of three yelled back. "Well, I'm having pot roast tonight. How about you?"

"It wouldn't be the sort of pot your son grows in the crawlspace would it?" Al's brow scowled as he felt himself sliding down the evolutionary ladder. He opened his door, hung his jacket in the closet behind it and turned around to the mesmerized statue of the redheaded beast he very hesitantly and begrudgingly called his wife. Hypnotized by Oprah, she sat frozen to the sofa with a bon-bon stuck to her lip.

"Peggy," He started for the kitchen. "I'm home." He tried to chat on his way to get a beer. "A fat woman slalomed in to the shoe store today eating a chicken leg so large that I figure the Colonel is now cloning pterodactyls. She recommends that I use a breath mint, I recommend she try stapling her throat to lose weight." He dropped next to her transfixed to the shimmering television images. "Oh goody, the twenty-four Oprah Channel. She might not come out of this till Christmas."

A commercial broke on the TV as Peggy snapped clear of her trance and looked around.

"Oh god," She mumbled. "That idiot's going to be home any second asking for din..." She realized someone was sitting beside her and turned round to the idiot in question. "Oh, Hi Al!"

"Peggy!" Al grinned sarcastically leaned over and kissed her.

"Oooooh, baby," She grinned and nestled closer to him. "You haven't kissed me like that in a while."

"Just getting the bon-bon off your lip, Peg." He munched on it as the most recent thing he had eaten since the taco cart and ice cream cart had collided outside his store and spilled their contents. "Did you cook today?"

"No."

"Did you clean today?"

"No."

"Did you do anything today?"

"Hush, Al, Oprah's back." Peggy turned to the screen. "This week, it's a marathon of Oprah's best."

"Those clips running back to back look like she's inflating and deflating at high speed." Al scowled to the TV. "Look out, she's gonna blow!"

"Dad," Bud came down the stairs. He'd become taller and gawkier as he grew up. His head was still a bit large resembling, "as Al often put it," Charlie Brown on a stick. Scratching his goatee, Bud hovered on the back of the sofa as he looked to his dad. "Want to work on the car?"

"Uhh, let's see," Al thought it over. "I'm tired, it's late, uh, no."

"But dad..."

"That's just great." Al stood for another of his long rants. "Father works hard all day for his 15 pesos an hour then comes home and is then tossed on another harness to plow a field. He finishes that and then is asked to build a twenty-story house. When does it end? Someone please tell me how I ended up with two kids?"

"It could be worse, Al." Peggy sounded off.

"How could it be worse?" Al heard the door and opened it. Outside on his front porch stood a big scrawny young man with a backpack slung over his shoulder. Tall and muscular, Al saw a bit of himself as a youth in the young man.

"What do you want?"

"I'm looking for..." The boy turned around a piece of paper. "An Al Bundy."

"I'm Al Bundy."

The young man looked at Al, the paper in his hand, the house, Al and then the paper. He turned around and started screaming to the sky.

"No!"

"Peg," Al turned around to the people he lived with in his house. "It's one of your relatives."

"No, Mr. Bundy." The youth entered the house. "I'm Jason Stiles, one of your relatives. I'm your son."

Al scowled trying to both figure him out and try to comprehend how that little revelation was possible. Bud leaned in a bit scared that he saw a family resemblance. Peggy did a brief double take and continued sitting on the sofa as her leg started bouncing a bit quicker over her other leg.

"It just got worse." She grinned her wicked little grin.

CHAPTER TWO

"Now, let me get this straight." Al furrowed his brow until he resembled a caveman. "And I hope you are too. You're my son?"

"Yep."

"No way!" Bud responded.

"This is impossible." Peggy sat up and jiggled over. "You can't make the toilet with the lights on. How can you have another son?"

"Do you remember a Rose Marie Mason?" Jason started. "She was my mother."

"Oh yeah," Al remembered his wayward high school years. "She's the girl I was Bundifying the night Peg's uncles baseball batted me in the knees before tossing me in the back of a car and I woke up married to her." He reflected on his more memorable past a second. "And you're my... Oh God, kill me now, I got another kid!"

"Well, done, Al," Peggy followed him wandering the walk of a distraught man back to the sofa as they both dropped down. "You really messed up big this time. I mean, you can barely afford me, how can you support another kid?"

"By getting rid of you first!" Al shot back.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jason dropped his pack. "You don't have to support me. I don't want you too either. I just... wanted to meet you and say hello. Is it true you caught four touchdowns in a single game?"

Al turned and stared at his alleged son. He gradually saw in him the son he always wanted rather than the son he actually got. Bud never asked him about his past nor did he have a big interest in sports. Not even a decent softball player, Bud didn't even follow the game, but Jason, he looked strong and sinewy like a young man who played nothing but sports. He didn't even have to marry Rose Marie to get him.

"I did!" Al grinned as Bud and Peggy reacted with alarm to see Al happy. "So, you like football!"

"Sure do!" Jason grinned. "I played second quarterback in high school and my coach said I was good enough to play pro!"

"Hey Peg!" Al looked over. "Congratulations, it's a boy! I finally got a son!"

"Ahem," Bud coughed a bit to get noticed. "What about me?"

"Did someone say something?" Al looked around as he ignored the pimple with a boy attached. Grinning ear to ear, Al changed the channel on the TV to the Sports Channel and put his arm proudly around his big strapping son.

"Mom!" Bud panicked and got his mother's attention. He headed into the kitchen to speak in hushed tones. "I don't like this. How do we know he's really related to Dad? I don't see a resemblance!"

Peggy looked back and saw two guys with their hands in their pants. She cringed a bit to see Al so happy then looked back to the boy to which she had given birth backwards.

"I see a resemblance." She mumbled with a disgusted smirk.

CHAPTER THREE

Marcie and Peggy sat at the table sipping their coffee as they started at Bud and Jason watching TV on the sofa. The chicken-legged bank employee took a second look and turned to Peggy.

"He's Al's son?" Marcie still tried to accept what her mind refused to accept.

"Yep."

"Al?"

"Yep."

"Balding, shoe-smelling, small-brained, pathetic, hapless Al?"

"Yep."

"I don't see a resemblance." Marcie observed.

Both Bud and Jason scowled a bit and poked their hands into their pants as they watched the monster movie on TV. Some scientist on the screen had just connected electrical cables to Anna Nicole Smith's bra and brought her breasts to life to terrorize a city.

"On second thought..." Marcie sipped her coffee.

"Mom, I'm home," Kelly opened the door and slammed it behind her. Clad in her Verminator costume from the TV World Fun Park, she resembled a stereotype superhero, but only one who saved her virtue as about as well as she saved money. She glared a bit and rolled her eyes while her left hand pulled her long blonde hair back over one shoulder. "You won't believe what happened to me," She continued. "But I saw my boyfriend, Roadrash, at TV World with that skank, Tina Sheppard. I hope they both get PMT. I am so like through with guys, I'd like to..." She suddenly noticed the guy sitting next to her brother on the sofa. Tall with a thick pompadour of brown hair, he looked like her dream guy as she gasped a short shriek and hurried over and sat by his side grinning brightly to earn his interest. Jason looked over to her second, grinned to her to satisfy her interest in him then looked back as on TV one of Smith's breasts crushed the Chrysler Building.

"Oh, this ought to be good." Marcie and Peggy watched the curiosity unfolding. Kelly tossed and teased her hair as she commanded her female wiles toward her next challenge. Bud noticed her and grinned.

"I'm Kelly..." The blonde mattress squeezed closer to Jason. "How would you like me to rock your world?"

"You're cute." Jason had heard reference to a sister. "Who is this?" He asked Bud.

"Kelly, our sister," Bud grinned and turned sideways to see just how close to incest his sister might come to incest with a good-looking guy like Jason. "Kelly, this is Jason, our brother." He began laughing.

"Brother?" Kelly looked up into his face. "You mean mom shot him out this morning!"

"No, honey," Peggy twitched over and sat next to her. "He was shot out through someone's chest a long time ago, but he is your father's son and, god help us all, your new brother."

"My new brother?" Kelly's brain tried to form a thought. She saw her hand on Jason's leg and lifted it up as she felt it petrifying to her. A scream came from her lungs as she jumped up and barreled upstairs. Jason watched her vanish up the staircase behind him as he shrugged off the incident.

"I wonder if I should be offended." He mumbled as the TV showed the army and air force attacking giant breasts crawling up the Empire State Building.

"I wouldn't worry about it." Peggy winced at the images on the TV and switched over to the Oprah channel.

"Son," Al came through the front door as he noticed Marcie. "Mister... I'm home. Peggy, you didn't by any chance make any dinner for me or my boy, did you?"

"Well," Peggy looked up. "As a matter of fact, I did. I didn't make any dinner." She grinned at her own little joke.

"Awww, Peg," Al grinned back at her as he leaned down to her. "I've got a little joke too. It involves you, a shovel and the back yard."

"Dad, I'm hungry!" Bud looked up.

"So am I." Jason stood up. "You guys want to go catch some burgers?" Al and Bud looked as if they were in shock. Bud started crying tears of joy and beamed happily. Al hugged Jason and wept a bit too.

"I love you, son." He passed his arm around Jason as the two of them joined by Bud headed for the door. Behind them, Peggy and Marcie followed on their heels.

"Peg," Al looked back as Bud and Jason continued outside. "Didn't you hear him? He said, 'You guys.' Come on, Marcie." Marcie shot him a look as her eyes revealed a bit of hostility in them.

"No thanks, Al," She grinned sarcastically. "Maybe the three of you can scratch your heads together and come up with a thought."

"At least I'll be coming back with burger on my breath." Al turned out the door. Marcie growled under breath as she joined Peggy on the couch.

"You know," Peggy pulled out her bon-bons out from under the sofa. "I don't think I like Jason. He's getting Al hooked on things like eating and being happy."

"Actually," Marcie continued. "He seems smarter than Al. Are you sure he's Al's son?"

"Marcie," Peggy looked back. "Who would want to admit being related to Al!"

CHAPTER FOUR

Kelly Louise Bundy was having a nervous breakdown. The cutest boy she had seen in a long time was staying in her house, and he was her BROTHER. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs, gazed at him and felt the confusion of signals her body was sending her. She couldn't bear to look at him, but she couldn't look away.

"Kelly," Peggy crossed in front of her. She watched her daughter gasping for air a bit as well as trapped in a vacant stare. "Is there a problem?"

"Problem?" Kelly looked Jason sitting between her father and brother stuffing his face with chips, popcorn and beer on the sofa then turned back slowly and stiffly to look once more at her mother. Her body was going crazy on her and going into sexual withdrawal as her thighs slammed together and she squirmed trying to turn it off. "No, I just need a... cold shower!" She turned and raced up the stairs. Jason, Bud and Al turned round as she vanished and then followed the sounds they heard upstairs her steps raced across the upstairs. The sound of water coming on filled the house as they turned back to the ball game on TV.

"She takes a lot of cold showers, doesn't she?" Jason turned to Bud as the two of them munched on hoagies.

"Be grateful she just showers." Bud looked back. "She's been handled more than a Playboy Magazine Subscription at the Post Office."

"Jason," Al dropped his arm around his favorite son. "I just want to say that you've made me the happiest since..." He looked over at Peggy now sitting on his left irritatingly jostling her knee. "Ever."

"I'm glad."

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you?" Al asked him.

"No," Jason answered. "How could I take anything from you?"

"You two leeches could learn a lesson from him." Al turned to Peggy and looked over to Bud.

"Al," Peggy looked back at him. "I want my couch back. He's been sleeping on it for three days."

"Sure, Peg." Al promised and then turned over to Bud. "Move out, Jason's getting your room."

"No way!" Bud stood in defiance and shot back upset. "Let him have Kelly's room! She won't be lasting another month anyway before she repeats the Wanker tradition of sister marrying brother." He referred to his mother's hillbilly relatives as his mother took offense.

"Hey!" Peggy complained on that age-old family rumor. After all, her parents were not brother and sister. They just started looking alike after her mother lost her beard. The telephone rang on the kitchen counter somehow knowing Bud was standing by it. He shot a look of warning to his itinerant father as he rose to answer it.

"Hello, who?" Bud answered it. "Yeah, just a minute. Jason, it's for you."

"Thanks, Bud." Jason rose and took the receiver from him. "Hello?" He made an odd look, glanced to his biological father watching TV and then stepped back into the kitchen.

"How'd you get this number?" He whispered. "What? My mom gave it to you?" He clamped his hand over the phone and shook his fist toward Detroit.

"Thanks, mom!" He cursed a bit and continued in hushed tones. "Look, I don't have the money, but... I'd just prefer to keep my kneecaps where they are. What?" He looked to Al. "No, he doesn't have the money either. Look, just give me a little..." He stopped and gazed at the unused washer and dryer on the service porch. Turning round to the house, he  
gazed at the television, the dusty record player with bowling trophies on it and then to the rest of the house.

"Bring the big truck..." He got an evil look in his eyes.

CHAPTER FIVE

"It was so sweet of Jason to pay for all of us to go to the movies!" Peggy jiggled up to the front door excitedly as they returned home. Her heels clicked the sidewalk as she still munched popcorn.

"Yeah," Al reached for his key as he paused from unlocking the door. "And I still got the money he gave me after sneaking you three inside." Al laughed as he rattled his keys.

"I was a little upset for a while." Bud grinned a bit himself with a bag of popcorn in his hand. "But he's real cool. I think I'm going to like him as a brother."

"Me too," Kelly huddled with the rest of them on the front porch. "I think I'm going to be able to handle..." Her mind recalled Jason's big blue eyes, thick head of hair, his wide broad shoulders and perfect ass. "Cold shower, cold shower..."

"Yup," Al unlocked the door. "From here on, the Bundy Curse is broken!" He swung the door open laughing with glee and flicked open the light to an empty house. Everything was gone from the living room to the kitchen. Bud and Kelly froze for a second as they realized the fact they had been robbed then charged ahead in fear to check their bedrooms. At once, they both began screaming at their empty bedrooms while Peggy stood screaming in the living room at the square spot in the living room showing the original clean color of the carpet.

"My couch!" She dropped to the clean area on the floor her couch once covered. Al stood frozen where he was with his eyes rounded into shock.

"Dad," Bud stood at the top of the stairs with Kelly behind him. "He wiped us out!"

"He took everything!" Kelly screamed.

"He didn't get your virginity." Bud reminded Kelly just before she struck him and chased him down the upstairs hall.

"Thank your father, kids, for bringing another Bundy into the world!" Peggy groaned for revenge.

"Thanks, dad!" Bud and Kelly's voices echoed from the upstairs.

"It can't be..." Al refused to accept it. "He was perfect. He was so nice. I mean he even liked football. He listened to my stories. He bought me pizza and hamburgers, Peg." He looked around again. "I know what happened; he squeezed everything into the basement as a joke, you'll see." He turned to the basement door, opened it and charged down the steps in an over eager haze quickly turning into a delusion he'd rather accept than to face the truth. He screamed like a wounded billy goat after seeing the basement cleaned out of everything that wasn't nailed down before he came back up the steps. Crest fallen and deflated, he stood before his angry wife with her I-told-you-so face.

"He took everything, Peg!" He screamed.

"No!" Peggy stood up from the floor in an angry and upset funk. "What was your first clue!"

"I know, I know," Al looked around again in deep denial. "I'll close my eyes and everything will be back. I mean this has to be a dream. My perfect son couldn't have ripped me off!"

"Uh huh," Peggy and her returning kids became a united front. "We're moving in with Jefferson and Marcie till you get our stuff back." They marched out in an angry huff as Al dropped to the empty floor. The death of another shoe salesman occurred as the balding figure hugged the stain where his TV once was.

"Oh god! Kill me now!" He whined like a baby. Next door, Peggy revealed the ugly news to Marcie and Jefferson. Al was sure of it because he then heard Marcie's evil cackling voice from next-door laughing at him.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha…"

END


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